This week, a lot of things happen. by now, i shld be studying for my exams 2 days lata. But somehow, i just can't absorb anything. so i decided to blog before i continue studying. there's so much i wanna say yet i can't find any words to describe them.
Ever since me and bao got together, I really wish i've already graduated from school. I realise thats becoz sch keeps me away from him, making us quite far apart. therefore, i always wish for holidays to be longer and will look forward to the next holiday anxiously. Yesterday, we talked on the phone, nearly quarrelled again. i dunno why i lost control of my life ever since i met him. sometimes, to the extend where i will go nuts. haha..
Still, exams are round the corner. shall control myself for 1 more week b4 i really go nuts with my holidays. I really wish our distance will not be so far apart. And yesterday on phone, he said a lot of things to me. Maybe is coz he drank a lot of beer so he started to talk a lot, and he kept repeating the same things over and over again. I dunno if he realise it. But this is the first time i hear wad his heart says. Such miserable and lonely. That's 2 words i can describe. While hearing, my heart talks too. Just that he can't hear, coz i din say out. All the while, to him, I'm keeping quiet by just replying "oh". But i nv once kept quiet in my heart. This is what my heart has to say:怎么听了这些话，心会那么痛呢？原本以为，只是听你诉苦而已。但是，听到你前女友的时候，听到你把所有的照片收在一个信封的时候，怎么会那么痛？我知道一切都是回忆，一切都是过去。但是，还记得我是怎么扔掉我所有过去和回忆的吗？你还叫我删掉我和前男友拍过的照片。这些都是点点滴滴的回忆，我都做到了。没有一点痕迹。但是，当你跟我说这一切的时候，我的心在哭，你听到了吗？对不起，但是，不只有心在哭，因为我也忍不住掉眼泪了。我骗你说我没有。但是，我怎能不痛呢？无论多痛，我都很想听你内心最真实的感觉。
不管有多痛，我都会为了你忍。
不管有没有掉泪，我都会在你身边听你诉苦。
我想你应该明白我为你做这些事的原因吧。
不是因为我不怕痛。我很怕。
不是因为我要找事跟你吵。我不想。我不敢告诉你我在痛，是因为我怕听不见真正的你。我不敢告诉你我在哭，是因为我不想你跟我一样痛。
我只是想了解你多一点点，听听你的心声，做你的耳朵，帮你承担一点点你的心情。我也知道，你的心谁也走不进。但是我想试试看。我不知道你跟我在一起，有没有曾经得到真正的快乐。我很努力了。有时真的好累，但是我真的不想放弃。昨晚，听你说了那些话，我才真的领悟到，你比我想象中寂寞多了。而我，也许，比你想象中，更加孤单。没有人知道我所经历过的事。我可以试着听你，了解你。不管我有多痛，我都能静静的哭，试着不让你察觉。你呢？有试着了解我吗？你知道我所后悔的事吗？知道我受了多少的委屈吗？而你又知道，我又多么恨自己来到这世界上吗？始终，你无法了解我。因为，你从不冷静的听我说完。到了一半，你都会喊停。因为，你感受到我所感受到的痛。你曾说，你得不到真正的快乐。你知道为什么吗？因为，心痛比快乐更真实。我们都忽略了快乐时光，只留下心痛和不开心的感觉。而你，有很多时候，也忽略了我的感受。我试着很多时候喊痛。有时喊不出，就像昨晚，什么都不说，默默的哭着，听你的心哭着。有时喊了，又急着说抱歉。好像要求多一点体贴都是我不对。而我，却知道时间能证明一切。只是，不知道时间一到，我还在不在。没有人真正了解你，
那，
谁又真正的了解我呢？
There's more to what i've got to say. Just that I dunno how to express that very deep feeling inside me. That agony, that pain..it's undescribable de la..=)
When I'm down, I thought you will be there for me. But i made a mistake. You were not..
When I'm afraid, I thought you will protect me. But still, you made me more afraid..
When I feel cold, I knew you would hug me. Yes, indeed at times.
When I'm in pain, I thought you will care for me. I was wrong. Maybe you did?or is it just me that don't feel it?
You said your logics. I said mine. Both were wrong. Couples should share and take care of each other. That's what my dad says. Even when we grow old to be old man and old lady, we still have each other.
You said we both live in different world. But no, we live on the same world called EARTH. You said we were on different channels and could not communicate well. But how many channels are there? I just wanna try to switch every channel and see which best suits you and me. I just wanna communicate well with someone important to me.
Health, be it healthy or unhealthy. Emotions, be it sad,angry or happy. Love, be it sweet,sour or bitter. These are just a part of human life. I love the way you call me, the way you talk to me. I hate the way you scold me, the way you sometimes blamed me. For you are important, the way you express yourself affects me. You showed me what LOVE is
Yet how scary HATRED can be
For LOVE and HATRED, draws a line in between We can be romantic. Maybe at times we are. I learn to change for you. You changed for me too. But did you ever realise how much i cared for you? sometimes, maybe most of the time, deep in my heart, I know where i went wrong. But many times, i dare not admit, yet i choose to run away from it. If 1 day, miracles would appear, that will be the day when we need not argue anymore.
This week, I'll post up a chinese post. It might be REALLY LONG, so it's ok for those who are lazy to read..=) it's just a journal.当一个人完全失望的时候，她将会放弃一切，包括一直在欺骗自己的那颗心。不明白的一切，都会变得很明亮。她会一直想，到头来，自己得到的又是什么呢？应该只有失望吧。
你们知道为什么演戏的人叫做演员吗？因为，他们不管心情好或坏，都能收藏自己的情绪，欺骗观众，演出惊天动人的戏。那人呢，真的很奇怪明明很多时候眼前所看到的并不是真实的，也明明心里很清楚。但是，还是决定把那场戏当真。一直到最后，自己拿到足够的证据，才来失望。
一次又一次的让步，一次又一次的失望。结果，还不是一切落空，一切放弃，回到原点？心都碎了，才来放弃。真的是笨蛋！
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不久前，有一个“她”放开手的故事，中间的内容是这样的：
当她放弃的时候，当她决定松手的时候，她对那男孩说了一个她从来不想说的话。但是，为了自己，为了男孩，她说:
“我只要你开心，我知道逼你到这么紧，逼你这样做，也许就对你而言是不可能的任务。我一直以来都很清楚的，但是也一直以来都在像个白痴一样的欺骗自己。因为在内心的深处，我知道的。我无法再让你做一些我明白是对你不可能的任务。所以，我选择为你做一点可能的任务。那就是“放手”。这是我对你做出最大的后退步了。因为一直以来，欺骗自己的感觉真的不好受。谢谢你一直这么努力的配合我，让我演完这场戏不让我伤心。从此，不需要再演了。戏演完了，心也已松了一口气。”
以上的内容，是她对男孩说的话。但是，有一点没说完，还不算完整。其实，她想在最后的一句话加上：
“但是，现在的心，比当时痛了两倍。。每一次你演得不好，被我逮到了，我的心就多痛了几下。因为，我仍然发现我还在拼命的骗自己。但是还需要你配合我演到我真的放弃。我真得好痛苦，好辛苦。你知道吗？感觉得到吗？”
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虽然放手了，但是，她还真得希望有一天，奇迹能出现。希望男孩会对她好一点，不再欺骗她演戏，所做出的事都能让她信任。她真得好盼望那一天的来临，那个再也不需要欺骗自己演戏的一天。
that's the end of my story..=)
I've discussed with my parents about my Japan study trip already. They kind of accepted the idea of mine. But i've got to start to learn how to take care of myself from now onwards till the day i leave for Japan. 2 years from now, i shall start my new life..but there's something there pushing me back from pursuing this goal of mine..and i guess you guys know it well..*-My LOVE or My DREAMS?-*
well, today Yansheng said something which i think a lot.."what about ah bao?" hmms..tough question u know..actually, though i say i do not wish to let him wait,ask him carry on stay in singapore find a good gal and just marry, but my heart aches..i seriously feel like asking him to go with me..but how can i be so selfish? den yansheng said, "If i were you, i wouldn't give up my love for my dream." Why??Just because i am a gal?I shouldn't let my future husband carry that burden to support me my whole life. I wan to plan for my future. Therefore dreams are important to me also. Not everyone will be interested in the stuffs I'm interested in. Since I'm interested in something that may lead to my bright future, why not? But still, both love and dreams are really important to me. it's like asking you a question, "if ur dad and mum fall into the sea, which would you save?"
what should i do now? =(
will he wait?i doubt so..It's 6 years..not 6 days nor 6 months.
will he come with me?i doubt so too.
who will be such a stupid fool to start their life anew in a country that they have no clue of?(exclud. me)
who will be willing to sacrifies for some1 they love?It's tough.
6 years is long. but these 6 years, i will become strong. i will have much more knowledge that surpass most people. so..what should i do?
~*LOVE.....or.....DREAM?*~
